Curse of the Purple Turban: The Complete SS Parody
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: A beginning to end parody of the first Harry Potter film, in which Quirrel's stuttering severely inhibits discussion, and most things happen 'cause of quantum. T for language.


**Author's Note**: This is technically the first in a series of parodies that I'll be doing for as many HP movies as I can. I wrote my PoA parody first, and I have to admit that it was easier to write than this one. SS is chopped up into so many little scenes that I found it hard to keep the flow of the humor going. So please R&R and let me know what you think.

Also, I've labeled the references (with footnoes) in this one, since it won't let me do links.

**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone  
Curse of the Purple Turban**

_**Privet Drive, Nighttime**_

_The audience's first impressions of the Harry Potter movies are that of an animatronic owl; a big, bearded Richard Harris; and McGonacat._

Dumbledore: (_dramatically collects lights for his Rare Muggle Streetlamp collection_)

McGonagall: (_changes from McGonacat_) Evenin', Albus. How's business?

Dumbledore: What up, Minerva. Just been checking out these rumors of horrific death. Turns out they're true.

McGonagall: Well, crap. What do we do now?

_Hagrid zooms out of the sky and lands in the street._

Dumbledore: That, presumably.

Hagrid: Howdy, Professors. I just borrowed this 'ere flyin' motorbike from Sirius Black, who I technically shouldn't be mentionin' for two more movies.

_He hands baby Harry over to Dumbledore._

Dumbledore: Baby delivery by motorbike. Astounding.

Hagrid: Did I mention it's Sirius Black's motorbike?

Dumbledore: Yes, I think you did, thank you.

McGonagall: You know, I've been watching our hero's soon-to-be surrogate family, and they suck.

Dumbledore: Yeah, I knew that.

McGonagall: Then why the hell did I sit outside all day and get my fur wet?

Dumbledore: 'Cause of quantum. I mean, plot. (1)

McGonagall: The old "baby on the doorstep" deal, eh?

Dumbledore: You got it.

Hagrid: (_sniffle_) Clichés get me every time…

McGonagall: What about the fame and fortune thing?

Dumbledore: We'll spring it on him when he's eleven. He'll understand.

_**A Typical Day at 4 Privet Drive, 10 Years Later**_

Aunt Petunia: OMG GET UP YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE…THING!

Dudley: (_is fat and raucous_)

Harry: Yep. Whatever.

_Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia proceed to be disgustingly happy about Dudley's birthday._

Dudley: Y'ALL DIDN'T GET ME A PONY!

Aunt Petunia: Er, er, uh, we'll, er, get you one later, okay honey?

Dudley: I WANT A PONY _NOW_!

Harry: If he gets a pony, then I want a bedroom.

Uncle Vernon: Shut up and keep serving breakfast.

_**Dursley Family Zoo Trip**_

_Everyone stares at a snake._

Dudley: Daaaaaaaaadddyyyy, this is booooooorrrrring!

Uncle Vernon: Very well, let's all abandon Harry and go look at that over there.

Harry: You know your life's gotten pathetic when you're reduced to chatting with reptiles. (_to the snake_) Hi, I'm Harry Potter, and I live in a cupboard.

Snake: Hi, I'm a snake, and I'm a gazillion miles from home.

Dudley: OMG LOOK, SOMETHING NOT BORING!

Harry: (_to the snake_) Allow me to liberate you, then.

Dudley: (_falls into the zoo exhibit where he belongs_)

Snake: Hey, thanks kid! I've always wanted to scare the crap out of humans…

_The snake proceeds to slither through the reptile house, presumably thinking it'll get home before someone catches it._

Petunia & Vernon: OMG OUR SON IS A ZOO EXHIBIT!

_**Return to the Cupboard Under the Stairs**_

Uncle Vernon: You RUINED my perfect son's birthday! Rot in your cupboard, scum!

Harry: Butbutbut, I was all magical and stuff!

Uncle Vernon: HOW DARE YOU SAY THE M-WORD!

Harry: What the—(_gets door slammed in his face_)

_**Owl Post**_

_An owl drops mail in the mail slot, an amazing feat for a creature with no thumbs._

Harry: Heeey, the first letter I've ever gotten from anyone in my entire life! I'll go attempt to open it in front of my crappy relatives.

Uncle Vernon: You do not get letters. You are a non-entity.

_More letters arrive. 4 Privet Drive quickly becomes infested with owls, and Vernon's car quickly becomes white and streaky._

Uncle Vernon: SPAM MAIL!

_Vernon shreds some letters in constipated anger, and burns others in perverse glee._

Uncle Vernon: Sunday! Free at last! (_is freakishly unkempt_)

Harry: Uh, Uncle Vernon?

Uncle Vernon: No letters, no letters, noooo leeeeettterrrrs!

Harry: Uncle Vernon…

Uncle Vernon: Shut up and get me another cookie.

Harry: But Uncle Vernon, those owls are using your car as a toi—

Uncle Vernon: SHUT UP, BOY!

_The fireplace erupts with thousands of fluttery letters_.

Uncle Vernon: That's it! We're leaving our nice suburban home to hide on some dark, wet rock somewhere!

_**Some Dark, Wet Rock Somewhere**_

_A rickety shack conveniently has furniture for everyone _but _Harry to sleep on_.

Harry: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear J. K. Rowling…

_The door blows dramatically off its hinges at exactly midnight_.

Hagrid: (_looms_)

The Dursleys: HOLY CRAP!

Hagrid: Howdy, folks. Just 'ere to take Harry off to wizard school.

Harry: What?

Uncle Vernon: Don't you dare!

Hagrid: Aw, shut up, ya wrinkly bastard. (_to Harry_) So Harry, happy birthday and all that. Ready to leave your crappy relatives in the dust?

Harry: What?

Hagrid: Oh, great hoppin' chocolate frogs, does nobody tell the hero _anythin'_?

Uncle Vernon: Of course not! Obviously, not telling him things would prevent him from becoming a freak!

Hagrid: Obviously, you're wrong.

Aunt Petunia: This is all my sister's fault. Her and that bloody wizard she married.

Harry: Excuse me, _what _now?

Hagrid: Here, have a cake I probably sat on. I'll explain on the way.

_**The Leaky Cauldron, Sometime In The Morning**_

Hagrid: Just follow me through this pub 'ere.

Harry: Pubs aren't very magical.

Hagrid: You've never tried their ale. I mean, oh hell, never mind.

Tom: Ah, Hagrid, come to drink us dry again, have you?

Hagrid: Nope, just come to help the famous kid with his school shopping.

Harry: Really, I think I can pick out binders and pencils by myself…

Tom: IT'S HARRY POTTER!

_The ENTIRE PUB turns to stare._

Harry: This is awkward. (2)

_The ENTIRE PUB wants to shake Harry's hand._

Harry: Um…

Quirrel: Harry P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-

Harry: Yes?

Quirrel: p-p-p-p-p-p-

Harry: You know that a giant purple turban is attacking your head, right?

Quirrel: p-p-p-p-potter!

Hagrid: Professor Quirrel's got a bit of a mental problem. But that's for later on in the plot.

_Harry attempts to be nice and shake hands._

Quirrel: I-I-I'm a g-g-g-germophobe, t-t-t-too.

_Hagrid leads Harry outside and opens a funky doorway to the mystic shopping land that is Diagon Alley._

Harry: Why do I suddenly want that broom in the window back there?

Hagrid: 'Cause of quantum. I mean, foreshadowin'. Now all we have to do is get a bit o' the vast fortune your parents left you, and you can go to it.

_**Inside Gringotts, the Bank of Tetchy Goblins**_

Hagrid: We need money and this very secret thing.

Goblin: What very secret thing?

Hagrid: That's the one.

Harry: What very secret thing?

Hagrid: Can't tell you yet. I mean, at all. That's right, won't hear it from me.

_**Harry and the Magic Wand**_

Harry: What's this about a wand?

Hagrid: (_hums_) A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, a knob on the end… (3)

Harry: Um…

Hagrid: Sorry, you're a bit young for that. Off to Ollivander's with you!

_Ollivander's shop is dark and eccentric._

Ollivander: (_appears out of nowhere_) Ah! Harry Potter! Been waiting a few years for you.

Harry: Er…you look…very well-preserved for someone who's been selling wands since 382 BC.

Ollivander: No secrets there; I bathe in pickle juice. Now, what kind of wand would you need…hmm…

Harry: The kind that blows things apart? (_does just that_)

Ollivander: ACK! NONONO!

Harry: Okay, I give up, what kind?

Ollivander: How about the brother to the wand that killed your parents and nearly killed you?

Harry: Oh yeah, that's a _great _idea. (_rolls eyes_)

Hagrid: Yoo-hoo, got you a present!

Hedwig: Who?

_**Dinnertime at the Leaky Cauldron**_

Harry: So, Ollivander sucks at giving back story. Can you flesh things out a bit for me?

Hagrid: Yes. No. Maybe.

Harry: Pleeeease?

Hagrid: All right, fine. Once upon a time, there was a big scary wizard named Voldemort, but we don't say his name 'cause he was just _that _bad, and he had lots of minions and got really pissy when people told him he was wrong, so he killed your parents, but you survived, and now you're the Boy Who Lived. Got all that?

Harry: So I'm rich and famous and have dead parents.

Hagrid: Pretty much, yeah.

Harry: Terrific.

_**King's Cross Station**_

Hagrid: Whoops, I'm gonna be late with my bit of the plot. Run along, Harry. (_disappears_)

Harry: Excuse me, Mr. Conductor, could you direct me to the non-existent platform so I can catch my train to wizard school?

Conductor: What_ever_.

Mrs. Weasley: Out of my way, you Muggles! I have eight thousand children to put on this train!

Harry: Add me to that.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, of course dear. Just run straight at that solid brick barrier there and forget all about the laws of physics dictating that doing so should ram your nose into your brain.

Harry: O…kay…

_Harry runs through a funky magic tunnel and emerges at Platform 9 ¾._

___**The Hogwarts Express, Year One**_

Ron: Can I sit here? Everywhere else is so mysteriously full!

Harry: Must be because of that quantum everyone keeps talking about.

Ron: The name's Ron.

Harry: I've already found that it's barely necessary to introduce myself.

Ron: OH EM GEE, YOU'RE HARRY POTTER!

Harry: If I show you my scar, will you close your mouth?

_The sweet trolley comes by and Harry buys everything on it, thus making Ron his Best Friend Forevah._

Ron: Every Flavor Beans taste like toilets.

Harry: And chocolate frogs taste like frogs?

Ron: Nope, like chocolate.

Harry: And come with creepy animated trading cards, apparently.

Ron: Have you met my rat?

Scabbers: I'm not a rat.

Ron: Shut up, you are for another two movies. I shall turn you yellow for your indiscretion!

Hermione: (_appears in the doorway_) Hi there, I'm Hermione Granger, are you going to do a spell, I love spells, I know tons of them myself, want to see me do a few, I bet I'm loads better than you are anyway, and incidentally, are you Harry Potter?

Harry & Ron: Stop. Talking.

Hermione: Better get changed, we'll be at school soon, and by the way, Freckles, you've got a smudge on your face.

Harry & Ron: We avoid her at all costs.

_**Intro to Hogwarts**_

Hagrid: (_sings_) Messin' around in boats…(4)

First Year Students: Wow, what an amazingly spliced shot!

Hagrid: A-hem.

First Year Students: Wow, what a school!

_McGonagall looms over everyone and delivers the obligatory welcoming speech._

McGonagall: So basically, this hat decides your social fate for the next seven years.

Draco, Crabbe, & Goyle: Oh _yeah_.

Harry & Ron: Oh _shit_.

Neville: I have found my toad! Hurrah!

McGonagall: You've also just doomed yourself to being comic relief in all seven movies.

Neville: Oh, _bugger_.

Draco: Harry Potter, have you met my minions? And my haircut? And my two front teeth?

Ron: (_dies laughing_)

Draco: SILENCE, YOU SCUM! Oh, and Harry, be my friend, won't you?

Harry: Um, no thanks, the scum's been good to me so far.

Draco: RARRR!

Harry: Great. Eleven seconds into wizard school and I've already got enemies.

_**Beginning-of-the-Year Feast (and Sorting!), Year One**_

Hermione: (_spouts facts from_ Hogwarts for Dummies)

Dumbledore: Greetings, students! Before you all start your wonderful stay here at this wonderful school of wonderful magic, let me remind you that both the forest and the third-floor corridor harbor scary death.

Filch: I hate children.

Dumbledore: Mr. Filch may also be cause for scary death.

First Year Students: Uh…

McGonagall: Sorting time! I shall call the pivotal characters' names first, regardless of alphabetical order.

Sorting Hat: Gryffindor! Slytherin! Gryffindor!

Snape: (_eyes Harry_)

Snape's jowls: (_also eye Harry_)

Harry: Ew…

_Harry's name is called and he goes to be sorted while the ENTIRE HALL stares at him._

Sorting Hat: Sly—

Harry: Gryffindor, pretty please?

Sorting Hat: Putting you in Slytherin would be more dramatic, you know.

Harry: Hell no.

Sorting Hat: Fine. Gryffindor for the picky Potter!

Dumbledore: Right. That's everyone who's anyone. Time to eat 'til you explode!

_Ron busily eats everything in sight._

Harry: Who's that creepy guy sitting next to Professor Speech Impediment?

Percy: That's Professor Snape. He's a greasy, Dark-Side-fancying git.

Harry: Righto. I'll keep that in mind.

_The Hogwarts ghosts make their obligatory appearance._

Ron: OH MY GOD, JOHN CLEESE IS IN MY CHICKEN LEGS!

Nearly-Headless Nick: That's _Sir Nicholas_ to you!

_**Everyone's First Transfiguration Class**_

Harry & Ron: (_are horrifically late_)

McGonacat: (_turns into McGonagall_) You are horrifically late.

Harry & Ron: …Oops.

_**Everyone's First Potions Class**_

_Snape bursts in dramatically._

Snape: I hate children. You're all far too stupid for this subject. Except you, Draco; you're my buddy.

Draco: Aw, thanks.

Harry: (writes) Snape…plus…Draco…equals…best friends forevah…

Snape: HARRY POTTER! I hate you most of all!

Harry: Er…

Snape: Think you're so great, do you!

Harry: No, I really don't…

Snape: Think you're better than everyone else, do you!

Harry: Er, no, that's not really—

Snape: Think you can answer all of my potions-related questions, do you!

Harry: No, I can't…

Hermione: I can! I can, IcanIcanIcan!

Snape: SIIIIIILENCE! I'm watching you, Potter.

Harry: Great. Two classes into wizard school and I've got _more_ enemies.

_**More Owl Post**_

_Seamus attempts to turn water to rum._

Seamus: Hikkidus, pikkidus, mikkidus, mum, prededigitori—(_BOOM!_) (5)

_Owls fly into the room and drop packages and letters on everyone's heads._

Neville: Neato, Grandma sent me a gadget to help me remember…um…remember…something…

Harry: (_reads Ron's Daily Prophet_) Hey, somebody tried to steal that very secret thing from Gringotts!

Ron: What very secret thing?

Harry: The one Hagrid hasn't told me about yet.

Ron: Oh, that.

_**Everyone's First Flying Lesson**_

Madam Hooch: Quit messing about and get on your booms!

Neville: But I'm afraid of heeeeiiiights…

_Neville proceeds to take off and crash spectacularly._

Madam Hooch: (_sigh_) There's one in every class. Now, we're off to the hospital wing. NOBODY do ANYTHING until I get back! Got that? Nothing whatever! Zip, zero, zilch, NADA! (_leaves with Neville_)

Draco: Doing nothing does not advance plot. Hey Potter, I bet I can fly higher than you!

Harry: You're on, creep.

Hermione: OMG RULE BREAKING!

Draco: I also bet I can throw Neville's gadget to the moon! (_chucks the Rememberall_)

Harry: (_nearly chases it through a window_)

Hermione: (_hyperventilates_)

McGonagall: (_from inside_) Woot!

Entire Class: Harry, you rock!

McGonagall: (_suddenly outside_) POTTER!

Entire Class: Uh, we don't know that kid with the glasses!

Harry: (_gulp_)

**_Harry Thinks He's Massively In Trouble_**

_McGonagall leads Harry through the halls towards the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom._

McGonagall: Excuse me, Professor Turban, may I borrow your inappropriately named student for a moment?

Quirrel: Of c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-

McGonagall: Yes, all right, thank you.

Enter Oliver Wood. Cue fangirl screaming.

McGonagall: Harry's good at catching things! That means we can win at Quidditch now!

Oliver Wood: Um, okay?

McGonagall: (_squee!_)

**_Harry Isn't Really In Trouble At All_**

Fred & George: Well done, Harry! Just don't die during the first game, will you?

Harry: Remind me again why I'm playing Quidditch?

Hermione: 'Cause being good at it is genetic, and your dad apparently won awards, see?

Harry: Aw, I have warm fuzzies now.

**_The Totally Forbidden Corridor_**

Staircase: More plot advancement, provided by your friendly neighborhood moving staircase. Share and Enjoy! (6)

Harry: Come on, let's go down this corridor that we've somehow never seen before.

Hermione: No way! This is that totally forbidden corridor, and I'm not going to be one of you rule breakers!

Mrs. Norris: Too late!

Harry: Run away from the cat!

_Running away from the cat brings our heroes further down the Totally Forbidden Corridor ™._

Harry: Follow me and my badly overdubbed voice to this hiding place! (_tries the door_) This _locked_ hiding place.

Hermione: Move it, stupid. (_waves wand_) Abracadabra!

Humongous Three-Headed-Dog: How dast ye disturb my nap!

Harry, Ron, & Hermione: Oh bugger.

_The trio runs like hell._

Ron: I sure hope that thing is housetrained!

Hermione: You never pay attention, do you? Now stop leading me astray. If I get killed or expelled or something, I'll die of shame!

Ron: You are so phenomenally screwed up.

_**Harry's First Quidditch Lesson**_

Oliver Wood: Okay, basically, you just chase this little golden ball around. You catch it, we win, and McGonagall will be freakishly happy.

Harry: I snatch the Snitch. Got it.

Oliver Wood: Oh yes, and remember not to get beaten to death by Bludgers or the other team, okay?

Harry: Er, right.

_**Charms Class With Professor Midget**_

Flintwick: Squeak, squeak, swish and flick, squeakity squeak, levitation.

Hermione: Once again, I am better at this than everyone else!

Ron: Did I mention I hate you?

Seamus: Squeakity-flick!

Feather: (_BOOM!_)

Seamus's eyebrows: AAHHHHH!

_**Traipsing Around Between Classes**_

Ron: I hate Hermione! She's all egotistical and stuff!

Hermione: I suddenly care what Ron thinks of me! (_runs off crying_)

Ron/Hermione Shippers: OMGYEY FORESHADOWING!

_**Halloween Dinner**_

Harry: Why's there only one empty seat at the entire table?

Neville: 'Cause Hermione's not done with her private weepy time yet.

Harry: Ron, you're a bastard.

Ron: I didn't do _nothin'_.

Quirrel: (_bursting in_) TROLL! TROLL! BADLY SPLICED TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! (_faints_)

Entire Hogwarts Student Body: (_goes into a blind panic_)

Dumbledore: Y'all STOP that blind panicking RIGHT NOW! Now, the teachers and I will stare down death while all of you get your butts back to your dorms.

Snape: (_does some suspicious panicking of his own_)

_**Rule Breaking, Fit the Second**_

Ron: Stupid trolls, interrupting my face stuffing…

Harry: Aren't we going to tell Hermione?

Ron: And risk dying a horrible death? For that know-it-all? Are you out of your mind?

Harry: Do you even have to _ask_ that question?

_The duo pelts through the corridors._

Troll: Duurrrrh…

Ron: It's going into the girl's bathroom!

Harry: Do trolls even know how to use toilets?

_Inside the bathroom, Hermione emerges from her stall, sniffling._

Hermione: Stupid boys.

Troll: Raaaaaaarrrrrrr!

Hermione: (_screams loud enough to break glass_)

Troll: (_breaks everything else within reach_)

Harry: I stick my wand up your nose!

Troll: (_attempts to bash Harry's skull in_)

Harry: OMG RON, SAVE ME!

Ron: Uh, uh, er, hocus pocus!

Troll: (_collapses dramatically after wheeling around in six hundred circles_)

McGonagall: (_rushing in_) GASP! There are _boys_ in the girls' bathroom!

Hermione: It's okay, they were just saving my life and all.

McGonagall: Oh, well, that's all right then.

Snape: (_has a suspiciously bloody leg_)

Harry: (_stares at Snape's suspiciously bloody leg_)

Snape: Stop staring at my suspiciously bloody leg.

McGonagall: Negative five points for stupidity plus ten points for life saving equals five points to my house. Hurrah!

Quirrel: Y-y-you all g-g-go, I'll t-t-t-take c-c-care of th-th-th

Troll: RARRRRSNORT!

Quirrel: (_wets himself_)

_**Pre-Quidditch Breakfast**_

Snape: I wish you good luck in the most insincere manner possible. (_flounces away_)

Harry: I think Snape is trying to steal that very secret thing.

Hermione: What very secret thing?

Ron: Duh, the one Hagrid hasn't told us about yet!

Hedwig: Broom-shaped package for Harry Potter!

Harry: Hmm, I wonder what this could be!

_The broom-shaped package contains…a broomstick!_

McGonagall: Not just any broomstick, the _best_ broomstick! Now go kick Slytherin's ass!

Harry: Yes ma'am!

_**Harry's First Quidditch Game**_

Oliver Wood: Don't worry, Harry, I only _nearly_ died in my first Quidditch game.

Harry: Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so much better.

_School spirit oozes over the field._

Madam Hooch: Marcus Flint, don't you dare kill anybody, you hear?

Flint: (_grunts_)

Oliver Wood: Hey Flint, I'm cuter than you!

Flint: DEATH BY BLUDGER!

Oliver Wood: Oh shiiiii—(_falls from scary heights_)

McGonagall: THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY!

Slytherin House: No freakin' duh!

Flint: We can win if we pick off a few more!

Harry: No dice, fellas! (_chases the Snitch_)

Harry's broom: (_impersonates a cheesy carnival ride_)

Snape: (_mutters incoherently_)

Hermione: The greasy git's trying to kill Harry! (_sets Snape on fire_)

Other Teachers: OHMIGOD, YOU'RE ON FIRE!

Snape: No I'm not. (_pause_) OHMIGOD, I'M ON FIRE!

Hermione: (_giggle_)

Harry: I'm aliiiive!

Slytherin Seeker: Not for long, you're not.

Harry: That's what you think. (_swallows the Snitch_)

Golden Snitch: Ew, you have nasty breath. (_liberates itself…straight into Harry's gloves_)

Gryffindor House: Yey, we win!

McGonagall: (_dies of happiness_)

_**The Very Secret Thing**_

Harry: So, Snape nearly got eaten by that dog thing.

Hagrid: Nonsense, my sweet Fluffy would never eat anyone!

Hermione: Your _what_?

Hagrid: 'E's one o' my pets, y'see. Great guard dog, Fluffy.

Harry: So what's he guarding, then?

Hagrid: Nope, none o' your trickery! No way you're going to get me to mention Nicholas Flammel!

Harry: (_grin_)

Hagrid: Me and my big mouth.

_**Christmas Holidays**_

Wizard's Chessboard: (_is miniature splintery death_)

Hermione: Ron, why don't you and Harry go poke your noses in the restricted section of the library while I'm home for Christmas? That way, if you get caught, I won't get in trouble!

Ron: Yeah, good plan. (_rolls eyes_)

_**Christmas Morning**_

Harry: Yey, my very first Christmas presents!

Invisibility Cloak: Greetings from your past!

Ron: Wow, an invisibility cloak! Let's go get ourselves in trouble!

_**Rule Breaking, Fit the Third**_

_Somewhere in the library's restricted section…_

Harry: Nicholas Flammel, come out, come out, wherever you are!

Book: AHHHHHH! Your hands are cold!

Filch: RULE BREAKERS! (_salivates_)

Harry: CRIKEY! (_runs like hell_)

Mrs. Norris: I see you!

Harry: (_runs some more_)

_Snape and Quirrel are having a fight in the middle of the hallway for some reason._

Harry: Hark! More plot advancement!

Snape: I SMITE YOU, TURBAN-BOY!

Quirrel: I-I-I-I-

Harry: (_breathes really loudly_)

Snape: What the…

Filch: WHERE ARE THE RULE BREAKERS!

Snape & Quirrel: We weren't fighting! Er, that is…(_innocent whistling_)

Filch: Forget you! Let's hunt some students!

Snape & Quirrel: Righto! (_rush off_)

_**The Mirror of Backwards Writing**_

_Harry hides in yet another hitherto undiscovered room._

Harry: Hmm, a mirror. I guess my hair could use some work.

Lily & James: (_appearing in the mirror_) Hello, son.

Harry: (_has a heart attack and runs halfway across the school to fetch Ron_)

Ron: I was asleep, you know.

Harry: But look! Look! It's my parents, look!

Ron: You're daft. It's me, looking brilliant and wonderful.

Harry: You're kidding, right?

Ron: Nope. Just as I always pictured myself, really.

Harry: Uh-huh. Sure.

_**The Mirror of Angst**_

Harry: (_pines for his past_)

Dumbledore: Quit pining. You'll starve.

Harry: HOW DID YOU GET HERE!

Dumbledore: By osmosis. (7) Now, back to bed with you!

Harry: Isn't this the bit where you tell me that your only worldly desire is socks?

Dumbledore: Foreshadowing's over! Go to sleep!

_**The Very Secret Thing, Fit the Second**_

Hermione: Nicholas Flammel's name was right here in _Hogwarts for Dummies_ all along!

Harry: Gee, thanks for telling me that _before_ I nearly got caught and had a confrontation with my deepest desires.

Hermione: You're welcome. Anyway, Flammel has this thing called the Sorcerer's Stone, which can make you rich and immortal, and that's totally what Snape's trying to steal.

Harry: Terrific.

_**Inside Hagrid's Hut**_

Hagrid: I'm not revealin' any more secret information right now.

Harry: What's that mysteriously clanking thing over your fire?

Hagrid: It's my soon-to-be pet dragon. I get all my pets from people I meet in pubs, y'see.

Norbert: (_hatches and immediately sets Hagrid on fire_)

Hagrid: Aw, how cute!

Draco: (_from outside_) I'm telling!

_**Everyone's First Punishment**_

McGonagall: Wandering around outside in the middle of the night! You are _so_ in trouble.

Draco: Ha, ha!

McGonagall: Including you.

Draco: What! You can't punish my perfect self!

McGonagall: Watch me.

_**Forbidden Forest Detention**_

Hagrid: They sent my adorable baby pet dragon away. (_sniffle_)

Filch: Geez, you're such a pansy.

Draco: No way in hell I'm going into that forest.

Filch: You're a pansy, too.

_The forest is dark and foggy and creepy._

Hagrid: Okay, something big and scary has been killing unicorns.

Ron: Fine, great, can we go home now?

Hagrid: No, we have to go deeper into the creepy forest and find out what's been going on. Harry, you and your worst enemy go look over there.

_The other part of the forest is also dark and foggy and creepy._

Draco: I want my daddy.

Harry: Filch was right; you _are_ a pansy.

Creepy Hooded Thing: You really are.

Draco: (_screams like a little girl and runs away_)

Creepy Hooded Thing: You're supposed to run away, too.

Harry: Nah, my forehead stings a little, but I'm good.

Creepy Hooded Thing: No, you're not. (_charges_)

Firenze: (_jumps in dramatically_)Yes, he is.

Creepy Hooded Thing: All right, fine then. (_goes off in a huff_)

Firenze: Harry Potter, allow me to make vital plot connections for you. Unicorn blood equals cursed life, Sorcerer's Stone equals immortality. Got it?

Harry: OMG, Snape plus Voldemort equals best friends forevah! (_is appalled_)

_**Post-Forest Revelations**_

Hermione: So, Snape plus You-Know-Who equals best friends forevah?

Harry: Yes!

Ron: Whaddawedo? Whaddawedo!

Hermione: Let Dumbledore handle it, of course. Honestly, don't you two _ever_ read _Hogwarts for Dummies_?

_**Post-Exam Revelations**_

Harry: Anybody got any wizard aspirin? My forehead's foretelling doom and gloom again.

_Hagrid somehow knows how to play the recorder, and conveniently draws our hero's attention._

Harry: Hey Hagrid, who'd you get the dragon egg from?

Hagrid: No idea. They all look the same after a few gallons. I mean, pints.

Harry: You didn't slip up and blab things to him, did you?

Hagrid: Where's the harm in mentionin' that Fluffy enjoys a good lullaby?

_The trio dashes off._

Hagrid: Me and my big mouth.

_The trio dashes into the school._

Harry, Ron, & Hermione: OMG WHERE'S DUMBLEDORE?

McGonagall: Conveniently not here.

Snape: (_appears out of nowhere and eyes Harry_) Go outside and play, you silly children.

Hermione: That was scary.

Harry: But only served to make us more determined, right?

Ron & Hermione: Um…

Harry: _Right_?

Ron & Hermione: Sure, right.

_**Dramatic Trio Recklessness**_

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione do their attempting-to-sneak-out thing._

Neville: Stop it with your recklessness!

Hermione: Abraca-pocus!

Neville: (_turns into Neville the Plank_)

Ron: Meep.

_**Fluffy's Bedroom**_

Fluffy: SNOOOOOORE.

Harry: Why is it that Snape picked _exactly_ this night to be _exactly_ one step ahead of us?

Hermione: Because of plot. Now let's move that massive paw and get on with things.

Ron: (_is nearly drowned in Fluffy drool_)

Fluffy: RARRRRSNORT!

Harry, Ron, & Hermione: BLOODY HELL!

Hermione: Trap door! Now!

_**Big Scary Plant Thing**_

Ron: Whew, lucky for us this springy plant was so conveniently here.

Hermione: Except for the fact that it's totally deadly.

Devil's Snare: Mmm, midnight snack!

Ron: Ack! Nice vine! Nice vine!

Hermione: Hocus-sunshine!

Devil's Snare: And here's me without my SPF15…(_drops the trio_)

Ron: See, I knew we'd be fine.

Harry & Hermione: _Sure_ ya did.

_**The Room of Wing-ed Keys**_

Ron: Look at the pretty mutant butterflies!

Harry: Keys.

Ron: Look at the pretty mutant keys!

Hermione: And the key that's obviously already been used!

Harry: And the innocuous-looking broom! (_pokes_)

Keys: No touchie! This room is protected by the Kamikaze Key Act of 1972!

_The Kamikaze keys attempt to make Harry into Diced Harry Stew._

Harry: Despite the fact that I've only had one flying lesson and one Quidditch game in the course of this movie, I shall evade you all with my mad flying skillz! (8)

_The Kamikaze keys try to turn the trio into Kiddie Kebobs instead._

Ron: Why do our only ways to escape always involve running like hell?

_**The Room of Frighteningly Giant Chess**_

Ron: Well, what do you know, a big chessboard!

Harry: This apparently doesn't involve running like hell.

Several Frighteningly Giant Chessmen: Not if you want to get out of here in one piece.

Ron: Yey, a chance to show off my own mad skillz!

Harry: And there's only two pieces missing, too…

Ron: Hush, this is my moment to shine!

Wizard's Chessboard: (_is gigantic splintery death_)

Ron: Scratch that. (_keels over_)

Harry: OMG! Hermione, save Ron. I'll go on alone.

Hermione: How appropriately dramatic of you.

Harry: Why, thank you.

_**The Very Secret Thing, Fit the Third**_

_Harry descends into some dark, scary pit._

Quirrel: Mirror, mirror, on the wall…

Harry: You're not Snape at all! How horribly disillusioning!

Quirrel: Took you long enough to get here. I'm going to make this very simple: every single thing you think Snape did was actually my doing, because I'm much cooler.

Harry: I'm not sure I believe that.

Quirrel: SILENCE! (_stares at the mirror_) I suck at puzzles.

Creepy Whisper: Dude, Harry doesn't.

Harry: Your turban makes my forehead sting.

Quirrel: Shut up and give me a hint RIGHT NOW!

Harry: No hints for you. (_procures the Sorcerer's Stone for himself instead_)

Creepy Whisper: Geez, I'll handle this. You're the _worst_ minion _ever_.

_Quirrel removes his giant purple turban, revealing that he is the first teacher in history to actually have eyes in the back of his head._

Voldemort: Muhahahaha, I have you now, Potter!

Harry: (_stares_)

Voldemort: Gimmie the stone, and maybe I won't kill you.

Harry: (_keeps staring_)

Voldemort: Do I have something in my teeth?

Harry: (_attempts to run away_)

Quirrel: (_conjures scary flames of death at EVERY exit_)

Voldemort: _Now_ gimmie the stone. And, incidentally, if you join the Dark Side, I still might not kill you.

Harry: No way! Your creepiness is the reason I have no parents!

Voldemort: You're going to have no you in a minute. KILL HIM!

Quirrel: AAARRRRGH! HE BURNS!

Harry: Self-defense by face grabbing! (_squishes Quirrel's face_)

Quirrel: Bloody helllll…(_becomes Charcoal Quirrel_)

Voldemort: You are the WORST MINION EVER! (_becomes Scary Smoke Voldemort and takes a detour directly through Harry_)

Harry: Okay, that was messed up. (_collapses_)

_**Hospital Wing, Year One**_

_Harry awakens amidst tons of gifts._

Dumbledore: Your fan club loves you.

Harry: Apparently!

Dumbledore: And now everything's groovy, except that Voldemort still technically exists, because there can't be more books or movies without him. Essentially, your fate is sealed.

Harry: Thank you, J. K. Rowling. (_rolls eyes_)

Dumbledore: But your friends are fine, and you have candy, so go be happy until scary doom descends again!

_**End-of-the-Year Feast, Year One**_

Harry: Somehow my victory over the most evil wizard of our age is completely insignificant next to the fact that we've lost the House Cup to Slytherin.

Ron: Right on, mate.

Dumbledore: Actually, victory over Voldemort gives you eight zillion house points.

Snape: Wait a minute, _what_ now?

Gryffindor house: Hurrah!

Draco: (_toothy sneer_)

_**Homeward Bound**_

Hagrid: Have a photo album I didn't sit on.

Harry: Aw, thanks Hagrid.

Hagrid: And if yer cousin is still an ass this summer, I'll sit on _him_.

Harry: Woot!

_The Hogwarts Express chugs off into the countryside._

THE END

* * *

1) In Terry Pratchett's later books, "'cause of quantum" is sometimes used as an excuse to explain why nobody knows what's going to happen next.  
2) When I used this line, I was thinking of the first "Kingdom Hearts Chronicles" flash animation.  
3) A vaguely dirty song often sung by drunken characters in Terry Pratchett's Discworld books.  
4) In the Rankin/Bass version of _The Wind in the Willows_, there's a "Messin' Around In Boats" song.  
5) Merlin uses this spell in Disney's _The Sword in the Stone_ to pack his entire house into a small bag. (I just spelled it phonetically here.)  
6) Marketing slogan for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation in Douglas Adams' _Hitchhiker's Guide_ books.  
7) Probably the best quote from _House, MD_, Season 2, Episode 13, "Skin Deep".  
8) In the webcomic _Ozy & Millie_, there was an entire storyline about Millie's "mad haiku skillz". 


End file.
